


Apologies

by Telesilla



Series: Was, Is, Will Be [4]
Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-12
Updated: 2003-09-12
Packaged: 2017-10-05 21:59:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Telesilla/pseuds/Telesilla





	Apologies

Lucius quickly learned what sorts of apologies were required by the people who had control over his life. Father liked him to look guilty and sound heartfelt and if Lucius made a little noise while his father shook him and yelled, that was just fine. Maman on the other hand, preferred him to look her straight in the eye and acknowledge his mistake while he held his palms out for the ruler. And Merlin forbid he should ever flinch.

On the whole Lucius preferred apologizing to his mother, sensing that he was never really apologizing for his misdeeds but more for the fact that he'd gotten caught. At times it even felt like a game, with rules that Lucius wasn't fully aware of. It was a almost a puzzle, and each time he got caught, he learned another rule, gained knowledge that was more than worth the relatively mild pain of one ruler stroke to each palm.

At Hogwarts the rules were clear cut and simple and Lucius quickly fell out of the habit of apologizing for anything. The few times he did get caught breaking some minor school rule, he simply looked unconcerned and took his detention without letting his teachers hear a word of complaint, although he was usually quite scathing about it later in the common room. A Malfoy, he once said, never apologizes to those who are beneath him.

* * *

Lucius now knows that it's impossible to get words out when hit with a Cruciatus Curse. Screaming ... yes that can be done and he's doing a very good job of it. But if he could speak, what would he say?

As he gasps for breath when the spell is lifted, he answers that question. "I ... I'm sorry for ever ... doubting you ... My Lord...." he gasps out.

He hates it. Hates the pain, the memory of which still burns like coldfire along the lines of his nerves. Hates that the Dark Lord felt the need to make an object lesson of him, when what he did was no worse than any of the rest of his fellow Death Eaters. Hates most of all the sheer indignity of it, sprawled on the floor like this, throat raw from screaming, hair damp with sweat, body still weak and trembling with remembered pain.

But most of all he hates the sheer heavy handedness of it all. Not for the first time, Lucius regrets that he ever swore fealty to someone this unsubtle.

* * *

Lucius will not apologize at his trial. In fact he will not speak in his own defense at all. It has nothing to do with the fact that the newly restructured magical government does not condone either the death penalty or the Dementors Kiss. All Lucius has left is his pride as his son and his former lover testify against him and Malfoy pride doesn't allow for apologies.

Later, he will consider trying to explain himself to Draco, perhaps even tendering an apology, one Malfoy to another, but every time he sits down to write the letter the words are gone. Not that he tries all that often; how do you explain to your son that you couldn't do what he did, couldn't rise above your upbringing and the break the word you gave even if the person you gave it to was unworthy? Would it help to tell Draco that Lucius knew, in those last desperate months, that Draco and Severus were traitors (although, history being what it is, the correct word is patriots) and that he never gave them away?

"Perhaps I did underestimate your interest in this, Mr. Potter," Lucius will say after a rather complex set of passes required by an obscure pavane.

"Is that an apology, Mr. Malfoy?" Harry will ask, shooting him an enigmatic glance.

"If I _ever_ apologize to you, you'll know it for what it is."

_-end-_


End file.
